I Want to Ride My Bicycle, or, 5 Tips for Drag Queens on Bike To Work Day
My name is Lil Miss Hot Mess, and I bike to work.
OK, fair enough, I don’t often ride my bike when I’ve got my face on, but I do ride my trusty Gene Kelly (you figure out why I call it that) to work most days, and every now and then I get tired of taking my oversize limousine (er, Muni) to a show. Trust: I absolutely loathe exercise, but I hate waiting even more and you know Grandma Goldie taught me how to save a couple bucks. So, since Bike To Work Day is coming up I thought I’d put together a list of tips for BWD (Biking Whilst in Drag):
1. Your wig will not protect you.
Wear a helmet, girl, and protect your brain, but more importantly your face! Your wig may be huge and could possibly used as a flotation device, but just think about it this way: when you topple onto the pavement and your brain is spilling out onto your flawless paint job, it will not make for a cute photo. Make sure it is snug and secure, just like your…
2. Unlike a microphone, share the road!
One diva, one mic = one diva, one bike? For once, get off that high horse and share the road with cars, pedestrians, and other bicyclists! Think of the bike lane as a catwalk – be fierce but not too ferocious. Follow the rules of the road and stay off the sidewalk, or I will throw you shade!
3. Sequins are good, but spotlights headlights are better.
Find your light, mama! Once the sun goes down, you’ve got to bring your own source: a white in front for the “coming” something red and moody behind for the “going.” I like mine to get all flashy, but that’s just personal taste.
4. Lock it up real tight
Should I go with a Boy Scout knot-tying motif, or a BDSM gag? Well, you get the drift… I have had my wheels stolen one too many times, and it is no fun hobbling down that walk of shame with a busted bike. Lock up your bike securely, the tighter the better, make sure you’ve tied up all the parts to something with a flared base top!
5. Watch your tuck, lady!
OK, this one is totally optional, but from personal experience you might need to shift your ride from defensive to um delicate to protect those lady parts!
PS: I haven’t blogged in almost a year, but I’m turning over a new leaf, honeys!